


Heavens Gain

by CoolPeopleWrite



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Dating, F/M, Friendship, Fuckbuddies, Loss, Miscarriage, Pain, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29807388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolPeopleWrite/pseuds/CoolPeopleWrite
Summary: Darcy Lewis didn't know truly that she wanted to be a mom, until the option was gone. Fear went through her mind, followed by concern, anger, joy, excitement and love. In the time following losing her baby, the one man whom she needed...is her strongest support system. (Trigger warning: Miscarriage). DarcyxBucky
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	Heavens Gain

Heaven’s Gain

By CoolPeopleWrite

Xxx

February 25th, 2021

_Dear Diary,_

_A week ago today, I took five pregnancy tests. Each one let me know that a tiny little human was growing inside of me. Each one, indicated in it’s own method of demonstration, that I was “with child”. Each one changed my life the moment it gave me results._

_I had never eaten as healthy as I did the days following taking those tests. I bought a fucking yoga mat, I started getting a reasonable amount of sleep everynight (sort of), and I quit drinking._

_The almighty Google taught me how to figure out how far along I was-pregnancy-wise. Five websites confirmed for me that I was about five weeks along. Que major freakout. Que shock. Que laying on my bedroom floor for an hour, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out how exactly this “thing” happened._

_It didn’t take long. The only person whom I had been intimate with in that time frame (and even months prior), was the weirdest choice of a partner ever. James Barnes. Bucky. Mr. Brooding. Tall Dark and Handsome. Steve Rogers’ best friend. My fuckbuddy._

_I won’t go into details of how our fuckbuddy situation began to occur, for I believe that to be too crude for your delicate, leather bindings...but the man brought me a happiness that words cannot truly ever express. Even with a history so sad and so tragic, Bucky brought me life. He didn’t let his past get the better of him. He embraced the insanity of our lives, just as I learned to._

_He would be a good dad._

Xxx

February 26th, 2021

_Dear Diary,_

_I bled pretty badly last night and began to have really bad cramps that made me remember the worst moments of periods past. Again, a quick look to the almighty Google informed me things like this sometimes happened in the early days of pregnancy._

_That the baby I was growing was “settling”._

_That implantation bleeding could be weird and show up in different ways._

_That sometimes people just bled for no reason._

_This was the knowledge that I went to bed with. The knowledge that kept me in high spirits. The knowledge that completely went out the window this morning when I woke up in some of the worst pain of my life. The pain which had me writhing on my bed, crying out my fears and concerns. The pain, which Bucky found me suffering from._

_I could see the concern in his own eyes, as he rushed to my bed and knelt down beside me. The concern, which caused him to hold my hand, brush my hair back, and kiss me gently on my forehead. The concern, which caused him to stress the importance of telling him what was wrong._

_His beautiful face wouldn’t allow me to lie to him. I couldn’t continue to keep such a secret. Not now, when a small part of me knew what was happening inside of my body._

_“I’m pregnant,” I whispered through my tears. “I’m pregnant, but I don’t think I will be much longer. I think I’m losing the baby.”_

_The concern on Bucky’s face melted into what I would call, “compassion”. He didn’t look at me with pity, nor anger, nor confusion...he looked at me in the most caring way I’d ever been lucky to bear witness to. He looked at me not as a defenceless woman, but as someone who was in need of support._

_He looked at me like I was the most important in the room, which technically...I was. We were by ourselves there. But I never will forget the way he looked at me._

Xxx

February 27th, 2021

_I spent all of yesterday in the Medical Ward with Bucky. Nine hours we were there, surrounded by just ourselves, our emotions, and Bruce Banner._

_I’d refused to see anyone but Bruce. Bruce, who later informed me that he’d only worked through two miscarriages during his earlier days in Calcutta. Bruce, who was slightly awkward around crying, emotionally distraught women. Bruce, who was the only man other than Bucky Barnes that I could trust with what was happening to me._

_Bruce ran bloodwork for me-lots of bloodwork. My fear of needles chose today to raise its ugly head, leaving me no choice other than to squeeze Bucky’s real hand for all it was worth._

_He never said anything to convey the pain I knew I was causing him. He simply allowed me support._

_Moments after my bloodwork was taken, Bruce gave me the news I had been anticipating. The news which I didn’t want to hear, but knew I needed._

_“Your HCG is only at a 5, Darcy. For how far along you are, it should be in the 100s at least. I do have pregnancy confirmation that just came through. I can do an ultrasound for you, but it’s looking like this pregnancy isn’t viable.”_

_I remember the feeling of his large hand grabbing my shoulder for a moment, as tears began to fall down my face. I remember Bruce offering condolences to both Bucky and I. I remember Bruce explaining some of what was likely to occur with my body, going forward. I remember, a part of me dying._

_Bruce left us not long after, with instructions to medicate if the pain got worse; to come back if I filled two overnight pads in a span of a few hours; if I developed a fever. I barely listened, but I’d nodded anyway. Within moments of Bruce leaving, I felt Bucky remove his hand from mine, and carefully slide both arms underneath my body. Moving me over slightly, the large man carefully slid into the hospital bed with me. Pulling the weirdly white hospital blanket I had kicked to my feet, Bucky covered us._

_While he held me, I cried._

_And cried._

_And cried._

_Looking at Bucky, I saw him cry too._

Xxx

February 28th, 2021

_Yesterday was a bad day, for all intents and purposes._

_I was in pain from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to bed. Few breaks occurred, even with medicine. Still though, I trudged on. I made it through the first pieces of tissue I was warned about, leaving my body. I made it through the heavy clots that I passed. I made it, through packing away the two pregnancy books which I had bought in excited nervousness._

_I made it through the day._

_Bruce had written me off work for the next two weeks citing a family emergency. No one questioned it. No one bothered me about it. No one forced me to talk._

_Bucky stayed with me the night, following leaving the Medical Ward. We didn’t get back to my rooms until almost three in the morning. Seeing this, I foresee him spending a lot of the upcoming nights with me. He’s scared, both for what almost happened and for what was happening. For a man of few words, he was immensely emotive when he chose to be._

_Leaving me alone briefly, Bucky promised not to be gone long. True to his word, he walked into my suite, arms laden with Pepper’s homemade lasagna (it must have been her day to cook), a slice of cherry pie, and a folded sweater._

_I remember looking at the food, and hearing my stomach loudly vocalize itself. Truthfully, I couldn’t remember when I ate last. That lasagna though, was the yummiest thing I’d eaten in probably my entire life._

_It was made with a caring heart._

_After stripping off my rank-smelling clothing, I pulled the hoodie which Bucky brought with him on. It smelt like him. It smelt like his sandalwood smelling deodorant. It smelt like comfort._

_Laying down on my bed, I pat the space beside me. Bucky didn’t protest, giving me the best little spoon experience of my life._

_“I’m ready to talk about it now,” he said slowly. Gazing again at his blue eyes, I found myself nodding. “I am too.”_

Xxx

In the midst of writing for my other story, I discovered that I was pregnant. I had everything go through my head: fear, disgust at myself, joy, anticipation, and love..for what I had created.

Darcy in this story is me. In every shape and form. The plot of this story doesn’t exactly express what happened to me, but it covers the finer points.

It covers my excitement once I’d spoken to my partner.  
It covers my fear, of deep-down knowing that I was miscarrying.  
It covers the pain and sadness that I feel now.

Miscarriage is an odd occurence that happens to more people on this planet then we realize. From what I found out, no one truly knows how to react. From someone who studied it, it was 100% different to live through, than anything I’d read.

Friends generally didn’t know how to react, even those who had their own miscarriages. My partner though, he was there for me. He held me as I cried. He was there when I was completely lost.

For anyone else out there who has gone through this, either as a partner or a party who lost a child...I’m with you. I stand in this weirdly, horrible, scary club that no one wants to be a part of.

Miscarriage is one of the most horrible things in the world to experience. But it should never be taboo. No one should be afraid to speak of it. 

I will get back to the writing I started and grew immensely excited about. I just don’t know when. For now, I’m just figuring out my life one confusing moment at a time.

-Tegan


End file.
